DIE ACTOR DIE

Last night’s show was by far the most fun and most attended DIE ACTOR DIE show yet. Something about dirty humor and competition that brings the crowds out in Philly.

By all accounts we had about 140-150 people crammed into the Khyber. Not bad for a Monday night in June.

I opened the show, dressed to the eights, and tried to set the tone for the evening by giving the audience a tutorial on “Humorously Named But Fucking Filthy Sex Acts” (including the SPEED RACER, which is the act of screwing an Asian chick while your little brother and a monkey fuck her in the ass. Classy!)

The distinguished judges: Danny Ozark, Michael Alltop and Scott Johnston have no idea what I mean by “Douchchilliness.”

Animosity Pierre picked up where I left off and espoused on the ettiquette of a Bukake Party (while surviving faulty mics).

Our favorite white hip-hop artists Rowan & Hastings couldn’t make it, but they sent a disturbing video about an obsessed roommate.

My group BAD HAIR reprised our not-often seen sketch on Czech Puppetry and Baby eating, “Vaclav & Jack.”

Comedians Johnny Goodtimes and Chip Chantry debuted their first ever porno called “The Poolboy.”

The night’s winners Secret Pants then showed us that rape can actually be a win-win situation. (In a moment of method acting, Brian C. throws down his beer bottle and scares the crap out of me.)

The Sixth Borough let Cinderella, Snow White and Pocahontas be the slutty little whores we all knew (and hoped) they were.

The Waitstaff closed out the competition with a debut of their video about America’s favorite past-time: Blowjobs.

But the night was not done. I saved the best for last. While I tallied the scores, the legendary Buddy Felch told his story of a peyote trip he had with dame Judi Dench. Let the word go forth: Buddy Felch is a genius.

Secret Pants is named the winner. There is much rejoicing (and very little beer bottle throwing).

Then like a blurry photograph taken by a semi-inebriated photographer, the night fades away and everyone goes home (or upstairs for karaoke).

Good times. Good filthy fucking times.

(Photos Credit: Vincent J. Brown)